Seven.

When I was seven, I my grandfather -- my dad's dad -- died. With him gone, I lost my entire paternal side of the family. I've only recently been in contact with two - yes, count them! TWO! - members of that side. One day, I was loved. The next, people that *I* loved turned their back on me. And you wonder why I have such bad abandonment issues. If I'm left behind - even unintentionally - it's like a chasm has been opened in my chest and I lose all ability to function. Breathing is even difficult. I'm terrified of not pleasing my family - because they can leave me, too, just like that.

I've been to a counselor for this before, too. But she stopped seeing me. I know exactly what my issues are. I know how to work through them. It doesn't mean I don't still have open wounds from that betrayal  At such a young age, it's become part of me. I'm insanely jealous of people who are close to their families. I still feel so completely isolated - because of my age with my siblings and because of distance and everything else for the rest of them. I'm told I'm loved. I just don't know if I really believe it in my heart.

With Facebook, some of my dad's family friend'ed me. I was so excited - they wanted me back! But.. no. It was just to see how well they're doing. I wasn't invited to anything. I wasn't contacted. Their love for each other, their family, was just dangled in front of me. Something I could never have. I couldn't take it - so I de-friend'ed them all. Except for my aunt. I actually talk to her, and see her.

It was actually hurting too much to even look on Facebook.

At seventeen, I lost a good friend. Maybe I loved him - I don't know. I was a teenager. But it delivered such a blow to my mind that I kind of lost it. I became someone else. I'm healed from that, finally. Never going to stop missing him - and the others that have passed from my life.

And now, twenty-seven.. fuck twenty seven.