DNR

My husband and I agreed that a DNR is the right way to go for our son.

But he also made me realize just how hard it's going to be. We're going to have a perfect little boy. And then he's going to start failing.

I love him so much all ready. I know it's best for his quality of life, but he's still my son. My Henry. I'll be able to kiss him before he passes.

I'm terrified that I'll lose it and demand they save him. But he doesn't have a chance in his first year. He's not suited to life - his brain is mostly missed.

But that's still my baby. My boy.

I know in my heart that I'm not going to survive this experience and continue to be who I was. I'm just trying to survive right now. I'm constantly two words from breaking down. Some days are better than others - and some days it's all I can do to get out of bed.

My daughter is a reason to keep going. She's my reason to get through this.

I'm afraid that I'll just lose myself and nothing will bring me back.

He's moving again.

A van pulled out in front of me the other day, and slowed down - like it was trying to get me to hit it. I was alone. I swerved to avoid that van... But then I wish I hadn't. That could have been my way out. It could have been the end, no planning needed.

I don't want to consider suicide, but I did kick myself for swerving. All of my problems, gone.