Shadow

I used to think that maybe our souls were like shadows. More specifically, like shadows from Neverland – Peter Pan’s shadow. 

I imagine my own shadow is more translucent now as I struggle to connect with others – more than just the shallow passing words. There is a cannon-blasted hole where my chest should be, the emptiness echoing with every chime from my still-beating heart. That’s the hole that you left behind. My heart beats on, because it must, but there is no fixing this ragged, ugly space left behind. This desperate, yearning, sacred space.

I'm feeling all used up today. Crinkled along the edges, wilting. 

Lessons

I'm lying here in bed, worrying about how long my grass is right now.

Seriously. It can wait until tomorrow. The last few days with my girl have been wonderful.

Today is a gift. Embrace it, enjoy it all you can. Make as many happy memories as you possibly can. Feel joy, and spread joy.

I feel like I'm learning these life lessons more and more now that I realize how fragile life is - how so much can change in an instant. I'm doing my best to dedicate my life to making sure Amelia's beginning is good. That she is good.

We were at a lovely wedding tonight. There were speeches read by the bride and groom's siblings.

Each speech was expressing thanksgivings for having a brother/sister along for the ride. For having a best friend and guinea pig.

Yeah, I kind of melted. I cried. The newly married the couple are wonderful people who will be very happy, that I have known for a very long time. It was beautiful.

But I still felt such sadness that Amelia wouldn't get that. And fear, too.

Anyways, it's much to late and surprisingly difficult to organically blog on my phone.

Advice

I think of myself as a very steady personality. I'm not volatile, I pretty much go with the flow and maintain a happy face. It's my heart that has it's good and bad days. I've realized that I really need to take care of my heart first, before I try to keep up a social facade.

I read this today, from The Carson Project (http://www.facebook.com/thecarsonproject) "When I let you know I'm having a bad day, that I'm grieving and I just can't make it, I can't worry about how you take that. My healing depends on it. My healing depends on my honesty. My healing depends on who I am and what I am, and if I can find my own truth.."

That completely rang true for me. I can't worry about how anyone will take my truth. I have to be completely honest about it, and I can't let my pride stand in the way of my healing. By telling people I'm fine, it's like I'm giving them permission to rip out my stitches. And then I'm recovering for days after, trying to emotionally limp through each and every day. 

That's the best advice I can give anyone these days - be honest. Be honest with yourself, and then with everyone else. Don't hide your grief or your pain for anyone's benefit. You need to learn how to live with it. You need to crawl before you walk - and grief is such a burden, you really need to learn to balance it in your life and on your shoulders. 

Amelia was picking dandelions in the back yard (don't worry, we have a ton, ha!) and making wishes. I asked her what she was wishing for today - she said, "my sister!"

Oh, how my heart clenched. She then made wishes for her baby brother, but a lot more for her sister. She's been talking more and more about Henry lately. She likes the idea of having someone to play with any time. 

Whispers

I've been toying with the idea of a tattoo since Henry was born.

I remember laying in the hospital bed, looking out the window at the trees. Sparrows flew in and out of the branches during breaks in the light rain. I watched the rain and the birds every time they took Henry from me - either to check his stats or to pass him to a family member. When he wasn't with me, it was hard - I was completely drugged up, and I stared our to keep from crying. We had no idea how long we would have with him.

Since he's been gone, I've seen sparrows as little messengers of love from him. Little loves - kind of in the same fashion that people say that a found penny is a penny from heaven. I went to my tattoo artist, put down my deposit, and she drew up Henry's Sparrow. It's beautiful, and it's one of the few tattoos that I have that will have color. It's going to be a watercolor tattoo. I love the style, and it's kind of perfect for him - washed away but still making an impact.

Yesterday was rough. I was mad. I felt cheated that Jason couldn't celebrate his second Father's day as a father of two - that Amelia would someday feel as lonely as I feel without a sibling. I want her to connect with someone, to have someone to look out for - and to look out for her. I want her to have a sibling in every sense of the word. I know how lonely life can feel without it.

So, I was going to drop Amelia off with grandpa, and walk over to the tattoo parlor by his house. I was going to throw my money down and just do it. Damn the consequences, forget the bills to be paid and the mortgage, the broken side door, the broken windshield, groceries.. I didn't. I played along with life's little game and just went with it. There's so many bills that we're behind on, so many more responsible places to waste our silly money.

But this morning, Amelia called to me from her room. She was in there, getting ready for the day (her responsibility is to get her jammies off and into her laundry basket), and she yelled, "Mama! Do you got your birdie tattoo yet?"

I need to be absolutely clear - I've never taken her with me to see my artist. She's never heard me talking about Henry's Sparrow. I've never said it out loud near her, she's never seen the draft - she should have absolutely no knowledge about this. At all. I couldn't breath for a full minute. I just told her that no, I did not have that done yet.

In the car, I finally asked her where she heard about the birdie tattoo. First, she said Zack - because everything is Zack. Then I asked her again, and she said, "Baby Henry, he's happy."

I lost it, internally. I try so very hard to keep it together for her. But my eyes filled and my heart swelled as I replayed her words in my head. He's happy. He's happy. Mind you, she thinks that the opposite of sickness is happy. But still - he's happy. I wonder if he came to her last night. I.. I just don't know. I'm floored.

Maybe she won't be as lonely as I thought. She might not be able to look out for him, but he can look out for her - and through her, Jason and I.

Because now, my end goal is to get my tattoo started. My artist moved, I'm going to email her and set up a time. This is for me, and for Henry.

I've been melancholy over the past few days. It hasn't been dragging me down; but my mind is in the past. We attended Charlotte's memorial last weekend. A year to the month from Henry's memorial.

Life is funny sometimes - both funny, ha-ha, and the bang your funny bone type. Sometimes I start to see how everything is connected, and then I start grasping at those connections to find that they are as fine as spiderwebs. These connections fall apart before I can even grasp at them.

I saw this statement in a store over the weekend: "There will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life, or you're the one that will change theirs."  I'm starting to believe in this again; almost beginning to acknowledge my heart's belief in God again. It's been a hard road, but the belief is returning slowly. It hurts, too. Like when your foot falls asleep? That pins and needs sizzling sensation, but in the soul.

It started when I had a dream about my grandfather. He was playing with two kids - my son, and little Charlotte. Henry looks like Jason, but he has my eyes - the shape. They're as blue as Amelia's. He has my hair, the curls, but the impossible white that will eventually turn to brown. A lot like his sister's hair. He has a dimple in his left cheek. My little boy is chubby and elfin and perfect in Heaven. His friend, Charlotte, is playing with him - so much like her brother plays with Henry's sister. Charlotte looks so much like her brother - but her hair is brown and curly/wavy, like her mama's. Her eyes are a little more green than brown, but still. My grandfather was playing with them, they were in the background of the dream -- but they were there. I woke up with a smile.

It was a nice dream.

But back to religion and belief - I don't know how I would have made it through the last year without my dear friend, and a wonderful group of women that I've met because of our loss. My dear friend, Charlotte's mommy, and I never really connected before - our husbands are great friends, but they moved away before I got to know her. They moved back just in time for Henry's memorial. And then, this winter, they found out about baby Charlotte, and her diagnosis - so similar to our Henry's!- and we were able to listen, and understand. Now I count her as one of my dearest friends, a bestie, and I can't imagine life without her and her family. They've become part of our family.

These connections? They feel like God to me.

I feel bad for not writing a post for Henry's birthday/anniversary. His first year in heaven. I was distracted - we found out my mom has cancer on that same day. I was a mess.

Now, for happiness. I had a discussion about happiness with a friend over the weekend; about how we're promoting it endlessly. It seems to me that there needs to be some clarification for our children: happiness is in the moments. It's not a static state of being. Our children need to be free to acknowledge all of their emotions, not just the ones that please us. It's something I'm trying to teach Amelia -- she enjoyed her day at the carnival this weekend, but she got scared on a ride she tried out. She screamed her head off until they let her off the ride. We didn't shame her in front of the other kids - instead, we gave her hugs and told her that it was all right to be scared sometimes, that everyone gets scared. We told her that she was very brave and we were proud of her for trying the roller coaster (kiddie coaster; she was just tall enough and begged to do it - maybe next year!). I'm doing a 100 Days of Happy project on my Facebook; but I'm not trying to be happy all of the time. I'm sharing things that make me happy for the moment (it's probably going to be 95% Amelia and Jason!), but I'm going to try to be very clear that my end result is just to be able to acknowledge my emotions when I am happy.

I'm trying to live fearlessly; except when it comes to my daughter. That's a different type of fear. I'm living fearlessly for myself.