Odds

I don't have anyone to lean on. I think at this point, I'm expected to "be over it" and move on with my life. 

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being stoic. People ask how I'm doing, and I lie. Because the saying the truth out loud makes it worse. 

My husband understands, but I can't lean on him - he's grieving, too. I just can't. I want our home life to be happy. I want to be able to go somewhere, cry for an hour, and then come back and pretend all is happy again for our toddler.

I'm so tired of pretending. I have no time to myself. I don't think I want to be alone. I'm afraid. 

Suffocating

I had a suffocating moment today. Just driving along - and then I couldn't breath. Have you ever had a moment where you were thinking something unconsciously?

That's what hit me. Just a thought, but it suffocated me. I couldn't breath. I couldn't move. Thankfully I was at a red light, and it passed.

Every day is different. But it's still exactly the same.

I'm flirting with the idea of moving away. I go back and forth on it. I have a lead in Duluth, and my mind keeps on toying with just how easy it would be to start a life there. Uproot my family and move 160 miles away.

We could begin anew. We could enjoy our life in that climate. We could do this.

Then - what about my job? I love my job. I LOVE it. I love my coworkers. I love my friends here. I love my daycare provider. I like my school - I don't want to have to transfer again. I love my dad. I don't want to leave him behind.

But my heart thrills at the idea of going there, permanently. I feel like I did when I was standing on the top of that crane, with the bungee cord around my legs. Like I was about to do something incredibly stupid and love it. But the thing is - would it be incredibly stupid? I worry for Amelia. Would distance make my family relationships a little bit better? I'm just so tired of being judged. I'm so tired of being alone in a room crowded with people.