Suffocating

I had a suffocating moment today. Just driving along - and then I couldn't breath. Have you ever had a moment where you were thinking something unconsciously?

That's what hit me. Just a thought, but it suffocated me. I couldn't breath. I couldn't move. Thankfully I was at a red light, and it passed.

Every day is different. But it's still exactly the same.

I'm flirting with the idea of moving away. I go back and forth on it. I have a lead in Duluth, and my mind keeps on toying with just how easy it would be to start a life there. Uproot my family and move 160 miles away.

We could begin anew. We could enjoy our life in that climate. We could do this.

Then - what about my job? I love my job. I LOVE it. I love my coworkers. I love my friends here. I love my daycare provider. I like my school - I don't want to have to transfer again. I love my dad. I don't want to leave him behind.

But my heart thrills at the idea of going there, permanently. I feel like I did when I was standing on the top of that crane, with the bungee cord around my legs. Like I was about to do something incredibly stupid and love it. But the thing is - would it be incredibly stupid? I worry for Amelia. Would distance make my family relationships a little bit better? I'm just so tired of being judged. I'm so tired of being alone in a room crowded with people.