Every morning, I wake up and wonder if today is the day that I'll finally break down and never recover.
I'm having trouble coming to terms with the hand I've been dealt. At twenty weeks pregnant, we found out that our son's brain has not developed quite normally. After a level two ultrasound and in-utero MRI, we had a diagnosis - a very severe semilobar holoprosencephaly and Dandy Walker syndrome.
When he's born, the countdown starts. It's very likely fatal, but there's a small chance of survival to a year. Although - so much of his brain is actually missing that he'll never be more than an infant. His body will grow, but he'll never do so much as lift his head.
I'm twenty two weeks pregnant this week. And I don't know exactly how I'm coping.
It's weird to suddenly be dreading a date that I once looked forward to with joy. I've been forcing myself to read up on cesarean deliveries, infant hospice care, genetic disorders and support groups. It still doesn't feel real.
Sometimes I'll dream about him, about what our life could have been like. It's only been two weeks - will this continue forever?
In my research, I keep on seeing the need to write down your feelings. A feelings journal. I guess that's what I'm trying to do - concentrate on making everything okay.
There are times that I feel increasingly pregnant. I still get morning sickness. I feel him move inside of me - little kicks and nudges that I now know are only twitching.
Amelia's starting to say more words now. Her favorite is baby. She carries her baby dolls around, singing "Baby.. baby.." She would have been such a fantastic big sister.
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