Can't stop.

I work in an OB/GYN clinic. Maybe 70% of my patients are pregnant, and come in enough to know me - and know that I'm pregnant. Towards the end of their pregnancy, I see them A LOT more - enough to know them on sight.

There are a number of couples that are due around the same time that we are due.. I keep on getting questions about his gender. Our due date.

"He's due in June. June 20th. We're very excited. His name is Henry."

I feel so canned in that response. It's what I say every day, all day long. I don't want to scare these parents, nor do I want to make them feel bad for asking. They don't know - they're not doing it to be rude. They are all genuinely kind and fantastic people.

While I am excited for them, I still feel sad. My Henry won't be in school with their kids. He'll be born as a perfect little guy, but he's expected to pass rather quickly.

We're waiting for the genetics test to come back. We're doing a full array, and if my insurance covers it, four individual tests for genes that normally trigger the HPE (hydroprosencephaly) in non-syndromic cases. One is call SHH - nicknamed Sonic the Hedge Hog. It's the most likely culprit, if this is due to a genetic issue.

We know it's not chromosomal. That test came back last week. Genetic means that we have a 50/50 chance of having another child with this issue. That we have another chance of losing them before we can even kiss their foreheads.

There's still a chance that this is random. I can only hope that the genetics come back clean. I just want Amelia to have a sibling, close enough that it counts. It's something I felt cheated of my whole life. Now, I have a wonderful family. But I was never close to anyone. It makes life difficult, even now, because I constantly feel isolated and alone.