I'm trying to reconcile myself now, so that the grief won't be so horrible when it's actually real.

I'm going to have a son. He will be alive, in my arms, and perfect. He will die. I will lose my child.

If I keep on saying it, maybe it'll help me build up.. something. Toughness? Resilience? I don't even know. Or maybe I'm just hurting myself more.

But it's not like I can just forget about it. I have a large, kicking reminder of it with me at all times. I can't just put it out of my mind and not think, I can't just not love him.

I keep on biting through my lip, trying to wake up. Please let this just be a really crazy nightmare.