I find it really weird that I'm able to function throughout the day still. Sixty percent of the time I'm struggling not to cry. I'm fighting a depression event, but I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I need some time to myself -- and yet it's the one thing I don't need.
I don't know. I feel incredibly alone, isolated. I know that I'm withdrawing from my family, but I don't know how to reach out. I don't know how to ask for help, or whatever it is that I need. I'm talking to some other Angel mamas, and most of them are actually closer to their families after their loss. A few have lost their families entirely, though. I'm afraid we're going the way of loss - and I don't know how to fix it. But a small part of me is wondering if it's for the best - like maybe they never wanted me in the first place. There it is - the truth I'm terrified of these days. That I'm not wanted, that being around me is.. disturbing. I'm trying to act normal all the time. I'm even making jokes. Like - "See! I'm okay! Love me!"
Forget it.
I guess I'll just get lost in everything. Try to suppress the pain with work and school. Just keep running.
I'm fascinated by this article. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2841012/
Katie, my dear niece Katie, please please listen to me. Dont EVER think you arent loved by family. You are my brothers world. I am so proud of you, and i wish i knew how to talk to you. You have to know how scared we are to say anything because we dont know how much we can say. I have heard a hundred times how strong you are and i always thought " how strong is she really " I never know what you are thinking, but i always knew you had to be hurting more than you ever show. Now i know. I love you Katie girl, im not going to say call me if you need to talk, because you know you can do that anytime, i just want you to know how very much you are loved.... You are my hero !!!!
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