Insomnia

Not a day goes by that I don't miss him. I don't forsee that going away, either.

I'm up late tonight. I took a three hour nap with Amelia, and then I took my Percocet before trying to go to bed.. if I don't give in to the woozy feeling right away and go to sleep, I'm up for a while. And tonight Return of the Jedi was on. It was a losing battle.

So, I put away Amelia's clothes from the hospital. Delayed, I know. And then I put away the rest of her clean clothes. Then I went through her socks and sorted them, and culled out the ones too small. And then the hats were just sitting there, being all mixed up by season and size. That had to be done as well. Then I decided to make some tea.. and do the rest of the dishes. And straighten up Amelia's toys a little.

Insomnia. It makes house cleaning almost fun. Except for the crying jags, I could almost appreciate it. Once the pain meds wear off, I'll probably curse myself for overdoing it again. Tonight I swear I'm not moving any furniture. I learned my lesson. And my vacuum isn't that heavy - super light.

Pinterest is calling my name. I need projects to work on over the next few weeks, while my body heals. Some furniture painting, perhaps. Amelia's starting to get into dressing herself - dress up is next, we may as well repaint the cedar chest (again) into her own dress-up chest. Pink and white and green. I need these projects, otherwise.. I just stop existing. I need purpose. I'll probably be going back to work as soon as I'm allowed -- but until then, "light duty" projects to occupy my body while my mind heals and copes. I miss my boy.

I've also been thinking a lot about family. I won't go in to it here, but, I've been trying to avoid that bit. It's funny. The people that I thought would be there for me.. well, they haven't been. They're in the wind. The ones that I never thought would be around -- they are here.

Then there's my siblings. They've always been there, and they've continued to be people that I can lean on when I'm just exhausted. I love that I can call my sisters for nearly anything. My husband is amazing -- but sisters are different.

I'm just not going to think about it anymore. I'm trying to bring my son home from the funeral home (cremations are expensive.. and especially in the same week that the mortgage is due..) -- and that's my main priority. Our county has funeral/burial/cremation assistance, but I need to get the application in by tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

My tea is ready.