Static

Grief is a static state of being. It's a constant buzz in the background, on the good days.

Today was a good day. It might be due to pain medication -- I had a gall bladder attack yesterday. First ambulance ride from Urgent Care back to the hospital. Recommending removal sometime next week. I'm never planning on going through that pain again - it felt worse than childbirth. Well, maybe not entirely. But the fear that accompanies it makes it a lot worse.

With childbirth, you know there's an end. The pain will stop, and you will have a beautiful baby in your arms to hold and to love. With gall stones, there is no end in sight. It's not a definite thing. And it came come back whenever it wants. This attack has lasted 24 hours. If take a full breath, I can feel the pain still - even on Percocet.

Hence, somebody, anybody! Take my gall bladder! It's nice, though, because I won't have to take any additional time off, since I'm all ready on leave.

We went to a carnival today. Amelia got to pet a kangaroo. She loved the animals - except the llama and alpaca. They were too tall, and too eager for the pellets we were feeding them. Unnerved her. But she adored the turtle! It was moving fast, too!

I'm ready to make peace. I'm working on setting up Henry's memorial service. We have paid for his cremation, and are just waiting for our urn to arrive. He's going to be in a pirate ship! My little boy, so much like his father, would love that. I just know it.

I went back to my psychologist yesterday. It was wonderful to talk to her - and to sort all of these situations out in my mind. Ultimately, I'm doing "well" with my grief process for Henry. I'm learning to live without him here with me. But, I keep on having situations come up to complicate my feelings and emphasize my pain. Like burial assistance, or the fight with my mom. Financial distress and being abandoned. Not exactly helping my mental state.

Jason's grandma died last week. I'm going to miss her. I hope she's finally at peace - she was very negative, because people constantly took advantage of her. But she had a wonderful, loving heart. She was a great, loving woman. I really am going to miss her, but at least Amelia was able to know her for at least a short time.

Yesterday, when I was having my gall attack.. I thought I was dying. I knew it wasn't anything I had ever felt before. I thought we'd never make it to urgent care. Earlier this week, I've been so depressed between Henry and my mom.. that -- I'll be honest, because I want to be completely truthful here -- I was weighing suicide in my mind. Just to escape the constant pain, the feeling that my heart has been shredded.

This experience was a blessing, because I don't want to die. I was terrified. I begged and pleaded with my God to help me, to just keep me going to see my daughter grow up. I couldn't leave her, I couldn't leave my husband.

So that's it. I'm glad I got snapped out of it, and I'm glad to finally be able to rid myself of an organ. Ha!