Tattoos

I'm seeing a lot of 'In Memoriam' tattoos around. I have one planned, for my children. It's a nest, with a cracked egg/baby bird and the outline of a little bird flying off into the distance.

I'm not sure about this anymore. I don't need a tattoo to show my love for my son.

I all ready got one - on the day that he was born, the first time I saw him. This is going to sound incredibly corny, but, my heart is tattooed. When I first saw him, I was filled with such overwhelming love. And then the fear took over. How long would we have with him? Was he okay now? How will we actually handle this? Will we make it out of the operating room?

It was like a thousand needle stabs into my core, deep into my heart. Piercing through the love and true happiness that I felt when I first saw his perfect face. It's still there. Anyone who has had ink done understands the swelter of a fresh tattoo - the smoldering heat that you feel radiating from the area, the beautiful pain. It's a satisfying pain.

I feel that now, and every day. I feel the pain from losing him - the joy of having so much time with him. The anger that it couldn't have been fixed, that this happened to him and us in the first place. The love that will never go away - not like I'd want it to. The absence I feel, the emptiness, is like a vast chasm in the back of my mind. It's like I'm missing a few ribs. My family should be four people, going through life, loving and learning with each other. I should be laughing at my toddler while trying to get my infant ready for the day. I'm so angry that there was nothing that we could do. I'm happy that he's not in pain. I pray that life support wouldn't have helped anyway - yes, I doubt myself every day. If we had put a feeding tube, a breathing tube, regulated his hormone levels.. would he still be here? I would trade anything to hold him again. To kiss his soft blonde curls. To look into his eyes and tell him that I love him, and always will.

It's a steady burning in my heart. Sweet, pain, and constant.

I don't need any ink right now.