Two Weeks

Mother's Day was lovely. I spent it with my daughter. She was super cuddly, and a total mama's girl. We then met my family at a great park, and the cousins played their little hearts out. Of course, we were right on the lake.. so it was nice and windy/chilly. Too windy. We took our picnic back to my brother's house and just enjoyed the day, on his deck, buffeted from the wind. Amelia was totally pooped after this busy day of playing!

(Yes, there was a baby seat, she just loves her daddy!)

I had another ultrasound yesterday. We were looking at his growth. So far, he's measuring at 37 weeks in the abdomen, and his head is 15 cm. It's past the "week" marker. I looked at Amelia's growth charts, and her head (albeit tiny) was 15 cm at four months. Ultimately, when he's born.. I don't think it's going to look monstrous. Not like I'm worried about how he looks - I just want to be prepared for everything and anything. 

Since he's measuring so large (10 lbs of baby, placenta, and fluid in my belly currently! Whew!) - we're really hopeful to hit our goal weight of 5lbs (torso - not head/fluid) so that if he does pass in the first few days, he'll be a candidate for the heart valve donation. It's looking good for that. 

I'm so torn. I want him to be perfect. I want him to be happy. I just know that his brain won't allow him to feel so many things - emotions, pain. The neurologist has suggested that he will lack every means of communication. I want to hold on to him as long as possible - but that feels so cruel. I love him, and my job as his mommy is to make his life as fulfilled as I possibly can.

This doesn't mean that it's going to be easy. I'm amazed at the emotions that I'm feeling facing this C-Section. It's really been a full gambit, a roller coaster. I try not to think of it most days, but, sometimes I'm forced.

I'm wondering what to tell my patients when I come back. They all know me - and are friendly with me - but I try not to ruin their days with my story. So, I'll come back in ten weeks and.. then what? Say everything is fine? Will I be able to talk about it then? Will he still be here? 

I hate dwelling on the unknown. So, here's what I know. On May 28th, at 11am, I'll meet my son. I will kiss him. I will love him with my enlarged heart (because you don't love your other children less - your heart just grows to accommodate the new ones). Jason will love him. We'll hold him, and then we'll take it from there. He has two outfits, and a few hand-me-downs from his cousin (that I'll have to wash this weekend and get ready to go, in case we need them).. and a bassinet waiting for him at home, whether he needs it or not.