Revelations

Today I've realized that the milestones are going to be harder than I ever imagined.

But I think that I did well enough on the first one. Today, I feel the strength that I prayed for so very hard for yesterday.

I remember my son's blonde curls. Well, if his hair was a bit longer, it would have curled. His gorgeous brown-green eyes, identical to his father's. I really believe that he encompassed all of the ideals I've had of angels. My boy is an angel, and I find peace in that.

Religion is something that I've shied away from throughout my life. I've researched a number of religions - Western, Eastern, New Age.. I've looked into them all. But I find myself back with Christianity. I feel comfortable and safe here. I believe that my life has purpose, that my son's life has purpose. It's what got me through these past few months. Although I may not believe in everything my particular church teaches, I know that I am loved. And that my God wouldn't do this unless I could handle it.

Bad things have to happen. That's just the world. You have to carry the burden that you're given. But it's in your hands to make it into something good.

My son's life, although short, was amazing. He saw the sun. He breathed in the air. He received kisses from so many different people. He's changed lives -- and saved some. His life has reestablished a link with my family that I never thought I would get back. He has realigned my own career and educational goals. I really believe he had so much purpose in such a short time. What a miracle he is! He is my angel.

In his death, I feel peace. We spoke a lot about quality vs quantity in his life before my surgery. Yesterday, I doubted our decision. If we had intubated and shunted him, if we had installed a feeding tube, if we had hooked him up to so many different machines.. would that have changed anything? Yes. He may have lived longer. But he wouldn't have been held. Or kissed. And he'd never have been able to go outside. When he did pass, it would have been on a bed. Not in his daddy's arms, getting kisses from the both of us.

Jason and I did the best we possibly could have done for him. And, in return, he has blessed us in so many ways. I'm certain I want to have more children -- after some more extensive genetic testing -- because Amelia still talks about him. She took my phone the other day, and was talking to him. My lock screen is a picture of the two of them. She loves him still. Even as a toddler, she knows. When she's older, I hope she can find joy in his short life. And I hope she has the opportunity to be a stellar big sister again.

It's beautiful outside. I feel peace, and a quiet place in my heart. The ache isn't so bad today. I can breathe.