I miss him so much. Amelia opened my phone, looked at the lock screen, and asked, "Baby?"
She was looking at her brother. I had a moment. She loves him so much. It's the hardest thing in the world to tell her that baby went bye-bye.
And then I go cry in the bathroom for an hour. Even though we had time to prepare, nothing prepares you for the loss of your child. I'm so hurt. The pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it. It's learning to live with a gaping hole in your chest. And pretending that everything is just fine.
I have my good moments, and my bad. I'm trying to keep them mostly positive. But I have to mourn, and I do. I miss my baby. I wish this never happened to us. I can't change any of that, though, and all I can do is miss him - and keep his memory.
I'll never abandon my daughter. Not like I've been. Amelia will never know this particular pain.
That's all. Watching The Princess Bride. They're talking about the emptiness inside consuming Buttercup, her love for the missing Wesley. I can relate. It's a sucking emptiness that takes your breathe away.
But again - I have a husband and daughter. They are my life, and we all feel the pain of mourning. It's not just me. I'm looking forward to our vacation together. Amelia will love the lake.
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