Joy

I've been missing something in my life recently. Joy.

It's my own fault, too. I mean, I've been concentrating on Henry's end of life plans so much that I forget that he WILL have a beginning. Even if it's only for moments, I still want to feel the joy at his first cry. I want to cry in happiness when I see his face for the first time, in real life.. 3d doesn't count! I want to have a happy experience, just like with Amelia. I'm not going to mourn for the rest of my life, and I don't want to mourn him while he's still with us. When he is gone, I will celebrate the time he had with us, and treasure each moment in my heart for as long as I live. While he is here.. I will find the joy in my heart and keep it soaring.

Thing is, this is entirely in my power. I can make this a happy experience, and then celebrate his passing - and his gift of life to other babies - or I can continue to dwell on what's about to happen to ME.

I think I've been selfish this whole time. I realized that yesterday. I saw my son in 3D yesterday, and his beautiful little face made my heart swell. It was exactly like it should be.

So - here's to making this joyful. It's going to be better for me, and for him.. and for the rest of our family.


The surgery is making me nervous. I have complete faith and confidence in my care team - two of the most amazing docs I know are going to be performing it - and I know I'm in good hands. But.. just the experience.  I've been talking to some friends who have had routine c-sections, and they've all had positive experiences. I know it's going to go fine. I'm really uncomfortable with the thought of being conscious and able to feel the tugs and.. I don't know, a breeze on my intestines. Weird!  But, I'd rather be conscious for Henry's first breath than under general anesthesia.