Deadline

My cesarean is scheduled for Tuesday, May 28th at 11am.

So. Now we have a date. We have our birth plan/hospice plan all set to go. We have all of our resources lined up. Everything's all set.

I have nothing left to plan. It's in some (very) capable hands. All that we have to do is.. wait. And think. And feel.

That's the part I'm having an issue with. Feeling. Getting through my emotions. I keep a smile on my face - but it's not necessarily genuine all of the time. I'm chasing ideas, projects, thoughts -- all to keep from thinking about what's going to happen AFTER my procedure.

I need to start coping with all of this. That on the 28th, I won't have him kicking me anymore. He won't be safe and sound in the womb. I'm automatically stopping to stop the tears from coming, even when I'm alone. I need to comprehend that it's okay to cry. That I am allowed to feel. I threw myself into planning so I wouldn't have to face this. I don't want to. I want this to be over - like a book. Close the chapter, don't let it bother you again. That's not going to happen. I can't lose my mind to my own grief - I am blessed enough to have this time before to start my process, to begin to heal before the true blow is felt. Nothing will prepare me for this, I'm sure, but at least I get a chance to try. I need to face these feelings, these emotions, so that I can be the best Katie I can be. Then I can be Amelia's -- and Henry's -- mommy. I know all of the clinical and textbook things I should go through - which is a reason I even started this blog. Get the feelings out. Write it down. Some things won't even surface until you start going down that road.

But is it hurting me, ultimately? I don't go back and read my own posts. I can't. I don't know if I even can. But I'm past the point of screaming in my shower - I'm past the 'Why me?' howl in my car. I'm still shaking at times, still falling apart when it seems least convenient, but I really need to let that happen.

Someone told me today that they're worried that I'll hold it all in until I completely break down. I can't collapse - I have to start taking care of me and recognizing that what I am feeling is valid and natural.