Bad News

Well, we found out that Henry's heart valves were too small to use.

I think I heard my own heart rip open. I hadn't realized how much I was depending on his organs going on without him. I didn't realize how much pain I would feel if they weren't able to use his heart.

It's all useless. Meaningless.

I'm wondering if I'll ever come up terms with this. Or if I'll be able to pinpoint today as the day that I lost my faith.

I broke down at work and had to come home. I've spent the last three hours intermittently crying and screaming. Why, then? Why?

Everything we've gone through. I've been trying to comfort myself that he will live on. But that's wrong now.

I feel like something has been nudging at my consciousness the lady few days. Some large truth trying to get into my head.  There's no sense to this. No sense at all.

Three o'clock seems like a perfect time to get drunk and clean the house. But I really can't. Husband is picking up the kiddo.

Get it together. She'll be home soon.

At least I had an hour to process and cry. It's all I need, right?