Peace

I've been thinking a lot this week. I'm back at work (hooray!) and I've had to share my experience with a few of our patients. They all share the same horrified look when I tell them that he lived for fourteen hours. I don't know how to convey how beautiful his life was, how full of love. I don't know how to tell them that it's okay. It's not their life, and the grief that I carry with me is somehow beautiful in it's own way.

I've been hashing out the idea of peace in my head. I'm really at peace with how everything went. Even though my heart is broken, it's still full of love. I will never be the same, my heart will never 'heal' - it's a complete change to the way we live. Even though it's a change, it's something that I'm becoming comfortable with. It's becoming the new me; I can still be who I was. I'm forever changed, but it's a positive mark. I feel like I have more compassion for other people. I understand loss a lot better now. I can let go of the pain. I can feel the sun and the rain and smile through it all.

I smile when I talk about my son, now. My Henry. Even though I still have tears, I can smile.

My son had a beautiful life. Nothing could have changed how he was, and we know that. We couldn't have done anything differently. We made his life as comfortable as possible, and we loved him as well as we could have possibly done. He breathed the fresh air. He saw the sun. He knew love. We couldn't have asked for more with our situation. Sure, I grieve. I'll never stop. I love him still - and that won't change.

I'm more hurt by the actions of other people than anything. Well, one person. But this is not a place for that particular pain. I'll just say that it haunts me constantly and is making each day nearly unbearable. I'm to the point where I just want to move away, so I can use distance as an excuse to not see them, rather than being just a few miles away. Some things can never be fixed. Some relationships can be pushed past their breaking point. Forgiveness is divine - but I'm so broken by this particular issue, I don't even see how I can possibly move on. Perhaps time will help - but it feels like time is increasing this chasm between myself and this person.

Anyways.

I found a website that I'm in love with. It's the CarlyMarie Project. Here's a sample of the things she does -

And there are quotes like these -

I am blessed that you entered my life, even though it was only for a short time. 
When you left, a piece of my heart didn't go to Heaven. 
Rather, a piece of Heaven found it's place in my heart.

Julie Torrisi

Just a few things to think about. I'm really digging this website. It's beautiful, and.. hopeful.