Yesterday

Yeah, it was hard. I stayed as busy as possible. First with work, then getting Amelia to her two year check up, and then to the Block Party my workplace was putting on.

Work was busy. It kept my mind active and away from seething.

Amelia's checkup went well. She's perfect -- which we all ready knew. Before Henry was born, I was in touch with our peds doc and brought her into the situation. If we were to have any hope that he would survive, she would need to know about him. So I brought her in.

And then we had the final MRI. And found out how giant his head was, and how his brain had come to develop. And suddenly she wasn't necessarily needed anymore. So she asked about him. And I spoke.

It hurt. I speak of it in passing, only when my patients press me for answers on how my son is - how we're doing - how big he is now. "He had a brain defect. He only lived a few hours. We're okay."

How much I hate that lie. We're okay. No. Not really. We're surviving. Amelia was jumping on me today, telling me about my shoulders - elbows - head - belly. Then she stopped, pushed my (flabby) stomach in, and said, "Brother?"

I almost lost it. And just writing it now, I am losing it.

...

The Hospital block party was pretty neat. It was absolutely sweltering, but we got to meet some of the new Pediatric Hospitalists that are on call now. Neat. Amelia got her face painted, some goodies (shirt and bag! yay!), and she got to play with her cousins and some new friends. The Teddy Bear Band performed - always a hit.

Getting her face 'did'

Amelia's Hunger Games Capitol portrait

As I was driving home, Amelia dozing in the back, I broke down a little. I hate crying when I'm driving. It's not safe.

Honestly, I feel like.. a teddy bear. With a tear. And my stuffing is constantly falling out. I constantly have to hold myself together to keep moving. Once I stop, I lose more and more. I can't stop yet.

I didn't go to my grief support group. I couldn't do it tonight. I'm hoping next month will be better. That I'll be able to listen, and then, maybe sometime - talk.