August

This week has been interesting.

Last week we went on our first family vacation. Jason, Amelia, and I jumped in the car and drove out to Bayfield, Wisconsin. We were there for our friends' wedding - it was gorgeous, by the way! - and we decided to take a few days to ourselves. We spent Tuesday in Duluth, then Wednesday through Sunday in Bayfield.. and then another afternoon in Duluth. We saw trains, planes, boats. We picked raspberries and blueberries, and did a few wine tastings. We went on a shipwreck tour. We were busy! Amelia had a blast, and Jason and I were happy to be able to sit on the deck of our rented condo and just watch the waves of Lake Superior.

It was hard to come home. I wouldn't mind moving to Duluth. We could open our game store, enroll Amelia in a safer school. We would be establishing our family in another area. Pioneers. But we'd still be close enough to visit family. It's beautiful - the air is fresh and laced with the clean smell of the massive lake. Lying in our hotel room on that first night, I felt my core physically relax. I hadn't realized how much stress and pain I had been carrying around in the Cities. I'm trying to let that go - but being back for less than a week and I've noticed it returning. It's the feeling of the world crushing down, my shoulders keep on sagging and my posture keeps on slipping. It's physically painful to be back. I just want to be quiet and try to keep myself going.

It's the quiet that helps me strengthen myself. I either have to be constantly going, or quietly breathing. If I'm not physically moving, I'd rather be quiet.

I felt guilty leaving Henry's ashes at our house - does anyone else feel this? He should have been with us for our first family vacation. I had dreamed that he would be there - because we just didn't know how long he'd be with us. Before February, before we found out, I had been scoping out little tuxes for him to wear. Because I knew it was a boy. It was an absolutely beautiful time - surreal, even - but would have been perfect if my son were able to be there. It's just something I've dreamt of a lot. [Congratulations to the New York Fingletons, btw!]


Amelia's birthday was wonderful. I have a two year old. We went to Chuck E. Cheese - more for mommy and daddy than for her. She loved the toddler area with the slide, and just being with her family. Mommy loves Skeeball, and Daddy rocked the Price is Right ticket machine -- he made it to the bonus round! We both failed miserable at the Deal or No Deal game.

Many of you know that my sister is pregnant. Strike that, was. She now has a beautiful little girl. Scarlett Jane. Scarlett and Amelia are birthday cousins, too! 8/7 and 8/8 - forever linked in birthday parties. Except for next year - I demand that Scarlett have her own first birthday party!

It's funny, because Jenny and I are six days apart. Our daughters are even closer. I really hope that it's an indicator to how close they're going to be. Marina's all ready a fantastic big sister - but I think big brother Ronan is still getting used to the idea.

See? I'm crying again. I'm so happy - Scarlett is just a beautiful girl! And she has a fantastic family to grow with.

I've been worried about how I was going to handle Jenny's labor. I was terrified that it would take place in the same room that I was in for those four days. The room where Henry died. The room I'm looking at every day at work - my view at my desk is a straight line into that particular room. It's hard.

I don't know if I've completely reconciled working at the hospital with the place where we went through so much. I don't know if I can.

You see, I love my job. I love my coworkers. I love my hours. I love my company. There's not much I can say against it. The only thing is the location. I'm constantly barraged with reminders of that time. It's not good. But it's not bad. It's just.. hard. Really, really hard. I've been contacted by another company about a position in my former career (police support). It'd be different hours -- nights -- but it's a rather large increase in pay. And it's closer to my home. And I wouldn't have to be yelled at by angry women on some days.

But.. I love where I'm at now. Am I harming myself by not looking into this?