Day 9: Family

My family has been through hell.

It seems like it started with Henry. My son, my only boy. Carrying him was both the best and worst time of my life. We were so excited for our boy to join our family - and then ripped apart when we found out that he just wouldn't. I still can't think about those months. I remember screaming, sobbing. I have to block it out to function.

I remember his little breaths, his warmth in my arms. I remember the fear as his feet and hands started to lose color. I remember the terror as he passed. That's when I disconnected fully with life. I've been disconnected since, once finding sparks of connection with my girls, and sometimes my husband.

I can't connect with my family. Even after we've lost another child in our family - my sweet, amazing niece. P was the smartest kid her age - I was always so blown away by her intelligence. And her heart - she loved so fully.

God, I miss that kid.

But I digress. Even though I've had a taste of what my brother and sister in law are going through.. I can't connect with them. Really, with anyone. I feel like my eyes glaze over most days, and I just flutter along the top of issues. I used to be an extrovert - now I retreat to small places, small groups. I don't do well in large groups, or in deep discussions. I can exchange pleasant conversation, but that's it. Let's talk about the weather some more, because it's a mindless topic and my mind is too damaged to focus properly.

My attention is absorbed on my children, so that I don't have to function. If Eleanor cries from across the room, I'm able to escape anything to get to her.

I'm beginning to worry that I won't ever be able to connect to people again. I have so many friends; but I've lost that pull with most of them. I've lost the ability to concentrate. I've lost my sense of time.

I want to feel again -- all the time. Is it normal to only feel with my surviving children? I look into their eyes, and it's my salvation.

It's been 871 days since Henry breathed. Two years and nearly five months.