Frustrations

I'm trying to work out my frustration. Excuse me, while I figure it out narratively.

Four years ago, we purchased a lovely little home. I was hoping it'd be our forever home. It's not quite in the best neighborhood, but, you know. It's cheap and adorable and I was tired of waiting to buy a home. I thought - hey! We can be cool urban parents!

Since then, I've buried my head in my own optimism. I love my house; my neighbors are wonderful. The others ones, though? I've had a drive-by shooting just one house away; four people shot three houses away at the gas station on the corner. Today, a woman was shot in the chest as she tried to protect her teenage kids.. seven blocks from where I am sitting.

I can't take the dog out without pepper spray. I can't let Amelia go outside barefoot -- needles, broken glass, unidentified human substances.

The neighborhood is built on limestone -- so water pours in through the hundred-year old foundation and bubbles up from the floor. It never quite floods, but it never quite dries out.

It's a beautiful house. Original floors, beautiful built-ins. A staircase to flaunt on prom night.

Plus, prostitutes and drug dealers screaming at each other at all hours. It's never just quiet -- screaming, fighting, barking, or the THUMP THUMP THUMP of someone's bass. Oh, and gunshots -- weekly if not daily.

I can't do it anymore. I just can't. However, I'm stuck. I'm stuck -- after Henry died, I pulled back from reality. I would have died if not for Jason and Amelia. I didn't do ANYTHING except for manual labor - to keep my mind from wandering. I didn't take calls, I barely paid my bills.. I just sat there and smiled blankly. The only thing that made my heart beat? Amelia's smile. I went a bit crazy - she's go so much stuff, I just kept on buying her things to make her happy.

And now, I'm maxed out. I'm behind on my mortgage. I've lost one of my credit cards and can't access my account to begin to pay it. I'm terrified of talking to people sometimes - especially the bank. They ask why -- and then I sob uncontrollably. I can't let that happen to myself again. I just don't know what to do at this time. I closed one bank account (Wells Fargo) because they consistently charged me fees -- $1300 in a matter of months. That's two and a half mortgage payments for us!

My bank card was duplicated, somehow. Someone went on a shopping spree at the Office Max in Monticello. I'm heartbroken - and financially broken. I feel like these thin walls that separate my family from the violence in this neighborhood are closing in on me. I want out -- now. I just want to pack my daughter up and move someplace where I can breath again - where she CAN go outside barefoot. Where I don't have to worry about a drug dealer crashing up onto our boulevard and taking one of us out (or one of our cars -- again. Yeah, that's happened, too).

I just want a safe place for my daughter to play. A place that we can go outside and breath.

I'm looking at rentals -- and my credit isn't too good. What's the use in paying $60 to be denied? Especially $60 that I don't have for another week or so -- whenever my bank gets back to me about my fraud petition.

I can't breath anymore. I'm lost, and I just want to wave a magic wand and fix everything. I don't know where to turn for help. I don't even know how to go about asking for help.

I found a new interesting fungus in the basement last week. I'm starting to wonder if Henry was doomed because of this house? Exposure to some century-old chemical, or spores from the constantly-wet basement? I'm scared that staying here will get us sick.

I don't even know if I should publish this. I'm just at the end of my rope -- I want my girl to be SAFE. I throw myself on her at every firework and gunshot. I walk into my house and my anxiety skyrockets. I've lost Henry - I'll do anything to keep Amelia safe. I just don't know how to clean up my own financial mess.