Holding the Memory

I'm feeling very driven today.

Now that I'm in a different work environment, I feel like I'm healing more. I'm absolutely crying less - significantly less in the last four weeks. But I'm still nervous about our year anniversary. I don't want to lose it. I want to keep my son's memory in a happy corner of my heart. I don't want the sharp sting of tears to mar the beautiful day that we were lucky enough to meet him.

I want to celebrate that day; I'm yearning to celebrate his memory.

Now. As to how - it's a Wednesday. May 21st. I'm almost thinking a benefit, or a fundraiser - something to financially benefit the organizations who helped us so dearly. Without Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, I would NEVER have these gorgeous photos of my son. I wouldn't have thought to take any. And Faith's Lodge.. goodness. I can't begin to explain how much we started to heal there.

I just don't know how to organize anything like a benefit. What would we even do? I'm overextended as it is; do I dare take on more? I feel like I can. All I need is a good binder. I'm nervous about asking for donations; asking for help. I'm not one to ask a lot. I pride myself on being self sufficient - much like my toddler, I can "do it myself!"

I want to do this - but I don't even know where to start. Any ideas? Anyone?

Church

I keep on looking at churches. There's one that I've promised to visit, a number of times, just to check it out. Sunday comes -- and I just can't. It's not that my faith is shaken - I'm not quite an atheist yet - but.. I'm angry.

I see people talking about God's plan. I hear the opposite side, that God doesn't have a plan, s/he is just our creator and best friend, laughing with us in the good times and crying with us in the bad, but never leaving our side. To this I say - yeah, sounds nice.

Then I start thinking about miracles. Just how much do you have to pray for a miracle to happen? How much do you have to believe? I prayed for my son, I cried and screamed and begged. We didn't get our miracle. Why? Were we not good enough? Weren't we nice, generous people? That's enough to make you hate whoever it is that is in control.

And then I'm told, 'everything happens for a reason.'  Bull. I didn't sign up for this.

I still feel like there's.. something. I don't know, I'm not pretending to know. But if this force of the universe is really in control? Smiling benevolently on some and not others? Then I'm angry. I'm engraged. Honestly, I think this relates back to my Mary rant from December.

This is why I've been avoiding church. The anger has been building, and I've finally acknowledged it. I'll probably lull myself into believing that my own God is just someone to hold us while we're falling.

But I'm still angry, and hurt. I'm coping much better now, but apparently my heart is seeking to place blame somewhere, still.

Jason and I went out last night, and we were finally able to talk. We talked about us, our life together, Henry.

It was so overdue. I'm a lucky girl, to have found the perfect mate for me.

New Beginnings

I'm entirely too busy to type up a formal blog post, but just an update - I'm not reliving every moment from last year. I'm still using my car as a private crying booth, but, it's not turning the knife every hour.

Progress. Henry is always with me, and I don't feel bad for missing him. I do feel bad, however, for reliving my own feelings as we approach his first Angelversary. It disrupts my desire to celebrate him, it makes me feel like I'm wallowing rather than being a mommy he can be proud of.

Amelia is, as always, completely amazing. I love every minute with her.