Realization

I went away this weekend.

My husband and I retreated to Faith's Lodge. It was incredible. We spent time with others grieving the loss of their children.

It was so.. comfortable. I wasn't ashamed to cry. But one thing came of this weekend that honestly scares me -- a realization.

I'm still numb. I'm still in shock.

I don't know when I'll be able to fully comprehend it all. I'm afraid of losing this numbness. I'm afraid of facing the truth of the rest of my life.

I know I'm scared, because I'm sobbing. It feels like my armor is cracking, crumbling. And my chest aches and contacts while I catch my breath.

I still pray every morning that it was just a dream.

I am terrified of being here, at home, on his anniversary. How do you survive that?